


Why Me?

by ClockRepair



Category: Naruto
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:33:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23654650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClockRepair/pseuds/ClockRepair
Summary: One day, Sasuke wondered why he was the only guy to be chased by fangirls so he took some time off to analyze the dating potential of the male members from the Rookie Nine and Team Gai.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	Why Me?

**Author's Note:**

> Previously posted on ff.net. I am moving my favourite stories onto AO3. Any changes to old stories are minor and will not impact the overall story. Mostly fixing up grammar and spelling, breaking up run-on sentences, and changing anything that I thought was weird. Some stories were written about ten years a go.

At the young age of twelve, Sasuke Uchiha had received the title of Konoha’s Heart-Throb. Rumour had it that the previous heart-throb was so ashamed of being forgotten, becoming virtually unknown and overshadowed, that he eventually disappeared and was never heard or seen from again. But Sasuke swore that if the rumour was true, he would find what’s-his-face and drag the loser back to the village and shove the ridiculous title down his throat. Because. Sasuke. Simply. Did. Not. Want. It!

After all, how was he going to be an avenger with the majority of the female population cheering him on? Not a very respected avenger was the answer. Sasuke could just imagine his brother, and he used the term pretty loosely, falling over from laughter from the hordes of screaming fans pining for his attention. The thought of Itachi ridiculing him again was ready to make his blood boil.

To pursue his goal of slaying Itachi, he completely devoted himself to training and becoming the best shinobi possible. To avoid all distractions, he distanced himself from people, only spoke when necessary, and acted cold to anyone who tried to befriend him. However, his plan completely backfired when he ended up with Naruto of all people, the loudest, most sociable ninja in history, as his best friend. Not to mention the girls’ adoration for him only grew.

Supposedly, most girls were attracted to the whole distant/silent/slightly emo thing. They liked to have a challenge, a tortured soul that they could help and nurture back to a right state of mind. Whenever Sasuke thought about this, it was the only time he actually envied Naruto for his positive and outgoing personality.

But the observation also led Sasuke to some other thoughts. Wouldn’t girls be attracted to a cheerful and friendly guy instead of a bitter and brooding one? It just didn’t make any sense. Sure, he was the silent, dark type of girls preferred, but that could only be a phase. They would eventually move on, right? However, the Konoha women had been trailing for years and showed no sign of losing interest any time soon.

Surely there were other guys in the village who could appeal to the taste of the Konoha women. At that moment, Sasuke made it his mission to assess all the male ninjas.

* * *

Starting with his best friend, the knuckle-headed ninja, Naruto.

As mentioned before, Naruto was extremely friendly and cheerful, making him very approachable although many chose to avoid him for various reasons: the pranking, the loudness, the release of excessive and revolting gas at inappropriate times. Everyone, especially Kiba, could recall the Chuunin exams where Naruto blasted the pants canon right into Kiba’s face and won solely because he grossed out his opponent into submission. Sasuke could list all of the Kyuubi-vessel’s faults, which was easy since it was _Naruto_ , but he was trying to find a suitable male that he could divert his admirers’ attention to.

So looking past Naruto’s many quirks, some could say Naruto had the ability to see the good in others, gaining alliances from various people he’s met during school and missions. Also, for a twelve-year-old boy, he had confidence, which he obviously had for sporting orange clothes everyday, showing a type of self assurance that most adults didn’t even possess. Other words to describe Naruto could be determined and hard-working. Naruto’s dream was to become the next Hokage and earn the respect of the villagers who thought nothing more of him than silly prankster or an idiot. To achieve, he worked hard and was currently…

… eating ramen at Ichiraku Ramen Bar?

What had Naruto done to accomplish his ambitions?

Besides advertising his dream, AKA screaming at anyone who was present, Naruto didn’t do much to secure his spot as an efficient candidate as the next Hokage. Before Naruto graduated and became a genin, he had actually defaced the Hokage monuments, one of his funny pranks at the time.

Upon closer inspection, Naruto had traits that would lead others to believe that he was still a child, such as his impatience and eager to show off. And according to what Sasuke learned in health class, girls matured faster than boys, both physically and mentally. Therefore, girls would not be attracted to Naruto because of his immature behaviour.

But according to Sakura, Naruto had already managed to capture one girl’s heart. A concept so baffling Sasuke had to sit down when he found out. For some reason, he didn’t quite believe it. If there was a possibility that a girl had actual romantic feelings for Naruto, who would want to admit it?

Naruto out.

* * *

Moving onto the animal-crazed boys of Team 8.

As Sasuke could see, the entire Inuzuka family was obsessed with dogs going so far to base their fighting styles on canine related jutsus. Kiba Inuzuka was clearly no exception. His dog, or partner as he liked to say, was with him at all times and could be usually found in Kiba’s jacket. They even fought together as a double team with the Man Beast Combination Transformation: Double Headed Wolf as their special attack. Yes, there was no doubt whatsoever when someone said, “Kiba Inuzuka loves dogs!”

But didn’t girls love them too?

Having no insight to the female mind, Sasuke remembered eavesdropping on a conversation between two people that did. Or at least it had looked that way.

There were two men in their late twenties who were standing beneath the three that Sasuke just happened to be in. The taller, skinnier of the two was giving his companion some dating tips.

“I’m telling you, if you want to catch a hottie, get a dog. Or better yet, a puppy! No girl is immune to the strange power that a puppy has! One look into those dark eyes and they melt on the spot. And of course after falling in love with the puppy it won’t be long until they want to know who the owner of that adorable little pup is, and they’ll be falling for you in no time!”

So what those guys were saying was:

Dogs = Babe Magnet

Kiba had a dog. Kiba had a lot of dogs. Why didn’t Kiba have crazy girls chasing after him? It really bewildered Sasuke. But then Sasuke remembered that Kiba was practically a dog himself. Though clearly human, Kiba had many bodily traits of a dog, such as his unruly hair, sharp teeth, claw-like nails, and strong sense of smell. Additionally, he had personality traits of a canine as well, such as his loyalty and over protectiveness to his family and teammates.

Maybe that was why most girls strayed from the Inuzuka. They didn’t want a pet in human form; they wanted a boyfriend, a relationship. And the only relationship Kiba Inuzuka was capable of committing tow as to Akamaru. And, of course, Sasuke wanted to slap himself! If any girl asked Kiba to choose between her and Akamaru, Kiba wouldn’t hesitate to choose his canine partner.

Kiba out.

Onto the next genin of Team 8.

Shino Aburame actually reminded Sasuke of himself. He was tall, dark, and… quiet. Ha! Like the great Sasuke Uchiha was ever going to describe another male as handsome! He also had that mysterious quality about himself from the dark shades that covered his eyes and the giant collar of his jacket which concealed his face. Also, he could remain calm and collective while showing no emotion whatsoever. This could come in handy since Shino’s serene personality could balance the rowdy personality belonging to Sasuke’s loud, rabid, and hormonal fans. And that was something Sasuke could always respect.

But from the few meetings Sasuke had with the Aburame, it seemed like he could hold a grudge and came off a tad intimidating to a normal person. Especially with the whole looming-over-you-as-I-stare-at-you-with-my-disguised-and-emotionless-gaze thing. That could lead to problems since girls at this age where young and naïve and were bound to do something to piss Shino off.

Sasuke just couldn’t imagine Shino being stalked by girls everyday and tolerating the unwanted attention. Well, for too long anyway.

And although there were a number of similarities between Shino and Sasuke, there was one itty bitty fact that differentiated the two. In reality, there was one itty bitty fact that differentiated Shino from everybody in the village.

He had bugs. Thousands of them. Inside his body.

Hey, Kiba had his dogs, why can’t Shino have his insects?

It didn’t take long before Sasuke realized that bugs would forever be a hindrance in Shino’s love life. Not many girls could accept a walking, talking beehive as the affection of their love. Hell, Sasuke couldn’t resist stepping on a beetle if it crawled too close to him!

Shino? Out.

* * *

Three guys and no luck. Sasuke thought about approaching the matter differently. Maybe someone older would work but not too old that it would be creepy if they displayed any affection back to the young fans. Jounins were immediately crossed off the list so Kakashi would have to stick to his perverted books. Sasuke didn’t personally know any chuunin so he had to find some older genin.

But who? Hmmm…

Ah ha! Team Gai!

Neji Hyuuga. There were many reasons why Sasuke loathed the Branch House Member, but due to contrary belief, it was not because he felt threatened by Neji’s (semi-impressive) ninja skills.

It was all because of hair.

A while back, a rumour had claimed that Sasuke had a fetish for girls with long hair and it had spread throughout the entire community because of Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanka, Sasuke two biggest fans. Or two biggest pains as he nicknamed them. What people didn’t know was the rumour was party true since someone did say they liked girls with long hair, but it wasn’t Sasuke. It was Neji, which is highly ironic because his hair was longer than any girl in Konoha and probably better conditioned. Overall, Sasuke thought Neji had great hair but would never admit it. But the problem was, Neji wouldn’t own up to it so Sasuke was the one who looked like a fool for trying to put the blame on another person.

And the moment word got out about Sasuke’s preference, he was bombarded with hair flips that could take out an eye and toxic amounts of hairspray that could choke Kakashi with his mask on. The only way to describe the dilemma was that it was a very hairy situation.

Back to the task at hand, did Neji have good qualities that a girl would like? The reply to that question would be a yes. Did Neji have the qualities that a girl would like for a long period of time? The reply to that question would be a firm no.

Neji out.

Sasuke would like to point out that he just didn’t cross out Neji’s name off his list, he ripped it off the page with a kunai that left a deep gash across his coffee table. Damn.

While he had to confess that Neji was smart (he was the previous Number One Rookie of the Year), patient (he did have Gai-sensei as his mentor for two years without complaint), calm (again, Gai-sensei), and also had the whole damaged soul angle that girls seemed to like Sasuke for (being classified as second rate by your family and living under a tragic curse, shut up! So hot.) Furthermore, the Hyuuga clan’s eyes were an interesting feature. Their eyes were a shade of white like a pearl and it was difficult not to be captivated by them.

Sasuke was completely transfixed the first time he caught sight of said eyes. It was a shame that he happened to be staring at the shy Hyuuga heiress because that was when Neji decided he wanted to tear out the Uchiha’s throat.

Those pieces of information steered the way to Neji’s negative points: he was overprotective and was way too intense with the whole, “fate is something decided at birth and that no matter what one does, people cannot escape their destiny” thing. Wow, what a kill joy. Some women liked their men serious but he was too philosophical for his own good.

As a member of the Branch House, Neji’s duties were one thing and one thing only: to protect a member of the Main House, meaning Hinata, from harm. Despite his actions and feelings towards her in the beginning, he had made a sincere effort to act kinder. Hurrah for him, high five and extra points. After the staring incident, Sasuke couldn’t even be in the same room as Hinata without Neji sending him a harsh glare. It was too easy to see Neji as a jealous, overprotective boyfriend and those weren’t features girls liked, especially if he were to confront them face to face. The Hyuuga eyes were extraordinary but accompanied with a hot-headed ninja those eyes were downright frightening.

So let us repeat: Neji out.

Sasuke took some time off from analyzing the dating potential of the male members from the Rookie Nine to attempt to even out his coffee table. After chiseling three centimeters off the table’s surface, he resumed his place on the couch and continued on with his “research.”

Where was he again? Oh yes, Gai-sensei’s Team and he had just finished critiquing Neji. So next would be the Green Beast: Rock Lee.

… this one was kind of self-explanatory.

Rock Lee out!

Being honest with himself, Sasuke was not a mean individual. He had his moments where he was a bitch, but wasn’t that merely a cause from the strange, unusual side effect of hormones and puberty? Okay, fine, he was a total jerk but in his defence, he knew that Rock Lee wasn’t a bad guy. And to prove he wasn’t a bad guy either, Sasuke was going to highlight Lee’s (few) positive attributes.

Lee has had his fair share of adversities. When he attended the academy, he was labelled as “dead last” by his classmates who bullied him and doubted he would ever graduate. To earn the rank of genin with taijutsu as the only area of expertise was truly a difficult task to complete. Lee had to exhibit that he had more hours of training, hard-work, focus, determination, and dedication compared to everyone in his class. With the help of Gai-sensei, Lee was able to beat the odds and show his disbelieving peers and teachers that they were extremely mistaken. In thirteen short years, Lee had already done more than anyone had expected of him and it was all thanks to his idol, Gai-Sensei.

Lee wasn’t dumb or hard of hearing. He knew the cruel things people said about his teacher. Despite their crude thoughts he chose to ignore them. He chose to not take it personally because he knew Gai-sensei would have done the same. People only knew so much about his eccentric teacher and they were obviously not aware of his gratitude towards the man. Gai-sensei was a kind person who took his time to aid a young boy who had given up on himself. Gai-sensei was not only a mentor, he was a father figure and that was the reason why Lee looked up to him with such appreciation. And no one was going to prove Lee otherwise.

With new found confidence or “the power of youth,” Rock Lee wasn’t afraid to flirt with the opposite sex even when his cheesy romantic speeches never worked out in his favour. Sasuke couldn’t help but smirk in amusement as he though of the overly dramatic confession followed by a long parade of floating, pink hearts that Lee had made for Sakura.

Done. There were all of Lee’s highlights. Now to establish that he wasn’t going soft, Sasuke was going to list off Lee’s (many) negative attributes as well.

Regardless of his honest and good heart there was no excuse for Lee’s peculiar life choices. For example, it was fine that he idolized Gai-sensei, but it didn’t mean he had to become Gai-Sensei! Enemy spies could probably see the pair from miles away with their vibrant outfits consisting of green spandex one-piece suits and knee-high, orange leg warmers. Along with their blaring outburst of youthful experiences and matching bowl cuts, they were a travesty. And out of everything Lee copied from his teacher, he refused to do the one thing that might have enhanced his appearance: pluck his eyebrows!

Naruto didn’t call Rock Lee “bushy brow” for nothing.

Putting shallow insults to Lee’s wardrobe aside, or was it technically Gai-sensei’s, there was one crucial piece of data that explained why Sasuke’s fans wouldn’t like Lee. Okay, two, since they didn’t like him in the first place. Lee just fell for a girl too quickly. And when he fell, he fell hard enough that it left a Lee-shaped crater in the ground. He didn’t even know Sakura when he had showered her with undying love. He didn’t even know she existed prior to that chance meeting. To some, the hopeless romantic characteristic was sweet, but to the majority, it was highly awkward.

* * *

Sasuke came to the conclusion that even the older genin had the same amount of stupidity as the younger ones. Maybe he was too hasty about skipping Team 10.

Hmmm… Chouji Akimichi.

From what Sasuke remembered from their old days at the academy, Chouji was one of the few people who liked to test Iruka-sensei’s patience and temper by snacking in class or during lecture. In fact, Chouji could be found snacking on some sort of treat at any given moment and because of his monstrous appetite, he appeared to be rounder than most of his classmates. But there was one rule when dealing with the Akimichi and that rule was: never, under any circumstance, call Chouji fat or anything pertaining to the word.

Usually he was a nice and caring person who was willing to share his food with anyone who was hungry, but if his kindness was taken advantage of, or if someone called him the forbidden word, he could emit anger that was unimaginable by the gentle giant.

Sasuke thought this was stupid because Chouji shouldn’t be complaining if he was overweight. He was a ninja for God’s sake, work it off!

On the other hand, Chouji’s BFF was Shikamaru, but Sasuke would focus on him later.

So from what Sasuke could gather about Chouji was that he was nice, able to share with others, but also kind of lazy and was too easily motivated by food. Chouji didn’t sound like the ideal man for women to swoon over but he at least had good enough qualities to be their friend. And with all that food Chouji stored inside his jacket, the girls would be too scared to chase him around. If agitated enough he had a large supply of ammunition to throw at them.

Chouji Akimichi out.

So the last person on the list was Shikamaru Nara, the laziest person to ever walk the face of the Earth. Analyzing Shikamaru’s laidback and passive character…

Sasuke didn’t even have to think. All of Shikamaru’s qualities just clicked inside his head and Sasuke was currently resisting the urge to jump and down and scream, “He’s the one!”

Strategist = Intelligence!

Uncaring Attitude = Cool!

Watches Clouds = Romantic Pastime!

Pranks on Iruka in the Academy = Troubled past and his pranks were merely outlets to say that he was a broken soul with the need of a girl’s help to proper rehabilitation!

Catchphrase (“That’s too troublesome…”) = Bonus!

Sasuke needed to alert the women in Konoha that there was an undiscovered gem. A gem that would take his stupid title as Konoha’s Heart-Throb! If Sasuke wasn’t an avenger-to-be, he would say that he was giddy with happiness.

Unfortunately for Sasuke, the moment he set foot outside of his compound, his groupies were all over him. Some trampling him in the process, leading to horrible head wounds. And for the rest of the day, Sasuke had a nagging feeling that he had figured out something important, but couldn’t remember what it was at all.

Shikamaru, who had witnessed the brutal attack on Sasuke, just shook his head.

“Girls are just too troublesome. I’m glad that I’m not the Konoha Heart-Throb anymore.”


End file.
